Hungry?
by Gumokoa
Summary: Eating hurts more than being hungry, but eventually, you have to eat. Haise loses control, he's just hungry... God he's so hungry... Dark and Gore. One-shot


**Disclaimer: I don't own Tokyo Ghoul or any of the characters.**

 **Author Notes: I know I should be finishing COI so I can get on The Black Goat's Egg or Welcome to the Cochlea Infirmary, buuuuuuuut I was snooping around other fandoms (*cough* I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research. *cough*) and caught a nasty writers block. I tried everything, and after seeing pity-inducing (and somehow still cute) picture of a chibi Kaneki pleading for food, and wondering just how much I would have to starve Haise for it to turn into an AU, this was as close as I could get to make a new chapter for COI. (My phone went to take a dip in the (FUKING) ocean and it had the only copy of the most recent version of chap 5. Just my luck) But enough of my rambling, happy reading!**

 **(also, I don't know much of Akira's view to Haise yet, so if she is too OOC just imagine this is an AU)**

 **Warnings: Puking, blood, eating disorders, self-cannibalism, gore and everything else you'd expect in a Tokyo Ghoul fanfic.**

* * *

He braced his hands painfully tight over his stomach to push the impeding wave of agony out of existence. Not unlike before, pitifully unsuccessfully.

Haise moaned lowly and rested his head on the nest of documents that had found their way to his desk. It was late at night (or really early for the rest of the world), and the investigator had, like most nights nowadays, been drowned in paper work and data of the latest ghoul investigation. Which, now that the wave of hunger had past, he remembered had to be summarized for the approval of the case.

It was very disappointing that the Quinx needed approval before engaging in any case of their own. Like they were little kids asking to play in the swings. Which wasn't that far off considering their ages and skills.

And the fact that their mentor was a ghoul was just adding to the pile.

Like a pet that just heard it's name, the monster in his abdomen cried out and clawed his insides with renewed force. This time, Haise couldn't stop the full blown whimper that left his mouth. The echoes of the monster in his stomach always left him as whimpers when he was really hungry.

Why was he even hungry? Last month's portion had been the actual size it was supposed to- Oh that's right, he threw it away.

It wasn't the greatest idea now that he really though about it, but...

Eating hurts more than being hungry.

It hadn't always been like that he remembered melancholy. Situations change people he supposed.

"Oh, but are you one of them?"

The white-haired one took the chance way too eagerly in Haise's opinion. It was like he was getting desperate. With the deep ache settling in his bones and the agony of his twisting guts, Sasaki quickly brushed the hunger hallucinations away. Who would want to keep insanity on wheels disguised as a ghoul? Who would keep a flee ridden dog?

Certainly not the CCG.

The monster in his stomach stopped it's tantrum at the thought, leaving his whole insides cold and stiff. His weary arms hanged limp beside him. Finally leaving space for all the work he needed to care about (for all the worry).

Ok, first things first. Mutsuki was probably awake by now and he needed to have breakfast. He always woke up so early, Haise noticed. The ghoul stood up from his chair and paper nest with no difficulty, changed his shirt (he didn't take it off yesterday), and settled for a long day full of meetings and fake smiles to hide the hunger pains. And people. Lots and lots of ( _delicious_ ) people- _Breakfast, remember? You have to cook breakfast._ He snapped at himself, and like a slap to the face, his concentration returned like usual.

He headed downstairs.

* * *

Sasaki walked out of the session with approval for the Red Glove case papers in both of his arms.

But walking involves the room not spinning and his feet not tangling every step of the way, right? So it was more like he tripped his way out of the session.

To any onlooker it may look like he was drunk out of his mind, but everyone was a high enough class to be in the meeting, therefore a high enough class to know about... well, Haise. Everyone was used to see the ghoul sway with the lack of energy each month intermittently. Some of them weren't happy to see him hungry, because it meant danger; some felt reassured he didn't actually have to eat as much as they thought, and others just enjoyed his pain. Like he had wronged somehow by being a ghoul and that was his rightful punishment.

Oh well, it wasn't like Haise knew if he had done something in those 20 years that made him _deserve_ punishment. He could only guess.

Haise shuddered, not entirely because of hunger.

"Sassaaaaaaaan! Why the glum face? Did we get the case?" Shirazu flahsed his shark smile at him. If the ghoul's observational skills hadn't been watered down with exhaustion, he would notice the concern hidden behind it.

"W-wait Shirazu... Is everything alright mentor?" Mutsuki trotted behind Shirazu, with the breath a little labored. He really needed to train more. Maybe Haise would make sure he can get a training session with Shirazu so Mutsuki wouldn't feel alone. He is very shy.

Wait, they were talking to him: "Hm? Oh, Yes, we got the case."

Sasaki locked his knees because they didn't feel as supportive as they usually did. Shirazu was already calling 'The Urie Asshole' to tell him the had the case and to 'Stop training like your life depends on it you idiot'. He unknowingly lead the group of misfits out of the meeting room and back to the chetau to talk to Urie and Saiko.

 _One foot in front of the other Sasaki, it's not that hard._

"M-mentor? Are you sure everything is alright?" Mutsuki and Haise walked behind Shirazu, leaving them breathing space to have a conversation.

"Yeah, they gave us the correct information as far as I know and we have enough leads to-"

"No, I mean you." Why was Mutsuki worrying? Sasaki was a great actor, no-one had noticed he was... a little hungry. Right?

"Uh..." Haise brought a hand to his chin. "Yeah, Why'd you ask?"

"Uhm... no reason." _You look pale. You are swaying._

Haise would like to say he didn't have the urge to double over when another wave stroke his stomach and made the world spin. He kept, however, walking like nothing had happened.

* * *

"Shirazu"

"Hm?"

"When was the last time the mentor ate?"

"It had to be almost month ago, but I think Sassan didn't eat last month. He threw it away."

"I'm worried. Does he know you know?"

"Sassan thinks no-one even noticed."

"Should we tell Akira?"

* * *

Haise walked a bit too briskly through the halls of the CCG headquarters with no particular destination.

Or that's what he tried to convince himself of.

He wasn't walking through that hall because he knew he would run into Akira or Arima so he could be saved of the smell of all those ( _delicious, so mouth-watering_ ) people ( _meat, meat, meat_ ). No, not at all.

Fortunately, and really conveniently (so conveniently in fact that Haise thought Akira was looking for him), Akira walked right into Haise's path and stopped a full meter and a half away from him.

"You are shaking." She noted dully and with the same voice one would use to talk about the weather.

It was hard this time to hold back a sarcastic comment. Where had the puns gone to?

"I-I may not be feeling too g-good." He huffed.

"You are shaking and you are pale, does your stomach hurt?"

It didn't escape Sasaki she hadn't said the word 'hungry' out loud because of the relatively full room. It was normal when people got hungry. It was acceptable and fixed easily.

People not ghouls. Ghouls were animals.

"Ma-aybe."

She muttered his name in concern and walked a step closer. A rather fast investigator brushed by from Akira's side of the hall, creating the slightest breeze and carrying the ( _rich and flavorful_ ) smell of his ( _dinner!_ ) preoccupied superior to his sharp nose. The annoying noise of a very empty stomach resonated in the room and those who's gaze wandered in search of the noise stopped in their tracks and sent a disgusted glare the way of the starving ghoul before walking away. Gladly, in a place like the CCG the sound of starvation wasn't uncommon around investigators, so most people carried on with their business.

Still, if Akira needed more clues to see what was wrong, she had just gotten them: Haise was hungry and there was no denying it, his stomach might as well have shouted. He hanged his head partly because he didn't have the energy to hold it up anymore, but mostly from shame.

Unable to take anymore, Sasaki's stance wavered and his knees almost gave out. He doubled over and held his stomach when a whimper rippled his chest and this time more people looked, but all of them turned their heads, and still walked away like nothing had happened. That's what people do. Besides, whimpers were also common in the CCG.

This time nothing stopped Akira from reaching Haise and holding him up from the upper arms, and neither the drop of saliva that found it's way past his lips. He didn't even try to wipe it away, he was already exposed, why try to hide the hunger anymore? He felt his jaw slacking and even more saliva dripped to the immaculate floor.

If Akira could feel the bones of his arms where she pressed her hands, she didn't point it out.

"N-No Akira I can stand r-really" he tried asking her to shove her away. _I can't control it I don't want to hurt you_. Like a call for help.

A call that landed on deaf ears apparently: "Mutsuki told me you didn't eat last month's ration." At least she didn't ask why. What would he even _say_ if she asked?

Akira once had told him half-truths are as bad as lies, but he couldn't face her. Not right now.

"I am ju-just a little hungry that's all, it can wait until next ration."

His chin itched, but he didn't want to waste the energy to scratch it.

It saddened Akira Haise's regard to his own needs. The way he was talking he was making the tallest and most taboo order in the world. Like asking for a porn magazine and not for a meal after months of not eating.

Then again, who said eating humans wasn't taboo?

Akira let go of him hesitantly should he lose his balance, shifting her weight. A wave of smell hit Sasaki's nose. And it was so rich and delicious. So sweet after months and months of smelling the Quinx's breakfast and he just wanted a little bite, _it wouldn't hurt any-_

He stuffed his finger in his mouth in a pathetic attempt to hold back, which was a mistake. His head swam with the effort of clenching his jaw and his vision darkened if only for a second. He was falling through the warm and painless darkness for a second, but the next he was on the floor with a worried Akira looming over him. At least his finger hadn't left his watering mouth. He still didn't understand what had happened... _he was so dizzy. Weak._

Akira was talking, Haise knew by the moving of her mouth, but he couldn't hear a thing (Her voice was far, _far_ away) so he honestly didn't care what she had to say. Detachedly he noticed the soft and slender flesh of between his teeth. The ghoul moved his jaw right and left, trying the new texture, and for a second he was like a kid in a candy store that had just found a sweet to indulge.

why had he even been hungry? ( _Kaneeeeeeki_ ~) There was food right there! ( _Doesn't it smell amaaaaaazing? Rize giggled in the back of his mind_ ) If he was so hungry why not just eat? That's the repational thing to do.

( _Hungry_?)

He bit down without second thoughts.

"HAISE SASAKI!"

This time everyone turned to look, (including a hunger stricken ghoul) and silenced. Some left with an annoyed huff, but most people watched expectantly.

The tension was palpable, and it would probably take more than a knife to cut through it. Time stopped except for the dripping of Kaneki's warm blood. Without ripping his eyes from the human and mouth still lingering on his hand, he bit into the soft flesh in the side of his palm. Slowly.

He pulled away to examine his handiwork. A new stream of blood poured out of the wound, and Kaneki just watched. Fascinated. The edge of his lips curled up into a smile. An unwanted and unnatural grotesque approach of a smile. He couldn't control the pull of the muscles on his cheeks any more than he could control his jaw.

Why was he starving? There was a delicious piece of meat right there! The hunger consumed him, and in turn, this piece of meat would be consumed by him. It was only fair.

With the ferocity of an animal ( _animal, you are just an animal_ ) The crazed one licked the rivers of scarlet running down his arm. Roughly following the river with his tongue, the ghoul's mouth reached his forearm, and the muscle which name he couldn't remember because he just knew the _sweet taste of flesh_ and the _juicy meat of the arm in front of him_ and _eat, Kaneki, devour and survive. Survive._

Before he could bite down, a hand reached out to steal his food. _His_ food. Whoever wanted a bite would have to search for itself. It growled a warning, but the offending appendage didn't move. Not to attack or retreat, it just didn't move. Confused, the ghoul looked up.

"Haise..." It was weak and dubious, but the owner of the hand was clearly asking 'Haise' to stop whatever they were doing.

Haise...? And who may that be?

Didn't matter, he had an empty stomach to attend to.

He had always liked the juicy parts.

The wet, slick sound of tearing flesh and teeth against torn muscle overwhelmed the silence of the room, accompanied by gasps. Why were they surprised? He was hungry and he had found food, what else where they expecting?

The occupants of the room left in a frenzy and panic, but making no sound to disturb the sounds coming from the blood and saliva bundle on the floor.

( _Squelch Squelch Squelch._

 _Squish Squish Gulp._

 _Repeat_ )

The meat snapped free from the arm like pieces of a kid's toy. Like they were meant to be rearranged and disconnected. The honey dripped quickly on the floor like rain. The little puddle of dark red grew bigger beneath Kaneki.

( _Drip Drip Drip. Snap snap snarl._ )

The arm was slightly curved now. An abrupt dip where meat should have been, breaking the graceful line of it's length. Fat red slugs crawled over it. So dark they could even be black. Gore and meat barely hanging on now.

("Haise! Stop it!")

Kaneki wasn't a dark person... but he could not help but think how beautiful it all was. _Destroyed_. The arm was destroyed and dead. To give life to a greater thing. A greater purpose. It was so _wrong_ and ugly yet so _beautiful_ and fragile.

("Someone bring RC suppressants! Quickly!")

( _Snap snap. The fingers snapped like dry twigs_ )

Interesting. The space where the fingers used to be burned and stung a little, like an annoying little urge to stop eating it. But how could it if they weren't his? Well... of course, eating hurt more than being hungry, it was probably just that. It wasn't like Kaneki cared, it would pass.

( _Kaneeeeeeki~ You want me to eat you?! Want me to kill you?!_

 _Kill me... please, kill me._ )

But it didn't pass.

Haise's eyes widened when realization dawned on him and he snapped back to reality with a gasp. Spluttering even more blood like a sprinkler. But his eating didn't slow down. He was wolfing down bites from his own arm in a frenzy, barely chewing. Just swallowing chunk after chuck of juicy meat.

"A-Akira..." Was she still there?

"Haise Sasaki stop that right now." He wants to stop. He can't stop. Why can't he stop?

"I-I can'tmfff stop!" An anguished sob shook him, but didn't stop his mouth from destroying the limb. There was no use in holding back the pitiful noises, he was already crying (when had he started crying?). Most pf the people had already left, the ones left behind wanted a show.

They got a show alright.

"H-Help me! P-Pmfff" he tried talking past the bites of his own meat. "N-no... don't-hmmwuah... please, I-hrmff! I beg you. Stop... Stop!" Begged for the long gone threat to go. Begged for mercy from the man with the bolt cutters without even noticing.

Because he had never met such a man, had he?

His face was slick with blood, and saliva. Nails stuck to his face. A pair of teartracks washed away the crimson to show the sickly pale of his skin. His kakugan burned bright red betraying the rest of his visage, drowned in fear.

Akira still hadn't moved her hand, not that it was much use. She wasn't quite sure if it was a good idea to crowd him.

But there was a quite obvious solution to this problem: stop Haise from hurting himself. Decided, Akira's hands tripped over themselves to get to Sasaki _and_ -

It was too late for that.

He felt the burning in the back of his throat before the sweet blood came up to breathe. His stomach couldn't handle all the meat Haise stuffed in it (he hadn't eaten in a long time, how could it?), and for that there was an easy –if disgusting– solution.

" _BLUGRGGGHHH_ "

Haise flipped over and landed in four limbs before retching his latest meal out to the floor. There was nothing really in his stomach to vomit other than his own arm and blood. The blood and bits of meat were thinned out by saliva and RC fluids, but it was more than enough to look disturbing. Like vomiting a watered down version of blood, like a pink stew with chunks of gore.

If there was anyone left in the room, they had already left. The CCG investigators could get a little morbid, but they still possessed a sense of self preservation.

"Ah.. hah... _HUUURRRRL_ "

With nothing more to really get out, Sasaki spit less blood, and slowly, his vomit packed retching turned to dry heaves. Tears leaked out of his eyes when his stomach clenched on itself in an effort to get everything out, when it suddenly stopped. Haise lifted a soiled hand to his tender stomach, not daring to move should it cause another wave of nausea.

The energy from the fit went away just as slowly, but instead of crawling out of his self made puddle of blood, RC stomach fluids and embarrassment, Haise just sort of... went limp. His coat was already soaked through with blood, so he didn't really mind.

Not that he had the energy to mind or the knowledge of his situation.

Sasaki lay on his left side, panting and shaking like a leaf. The noises of sloshing blood and wet fabric scratching the floor filling the empty of the temporary hall.

He might as well just end up in Cochlea.

Empty. Even Akira had left.

He wanted to be as tiny as he felt, so he curled into the tightest ball he could. Haise was a baby in a womb of the pink honey stew and bites of heaven. But no, wombs are peaceful places, right? Like being dead but still having something to look forward to; the only thing Haise could look forward to was four white walls or, if he was lucky, a tighter leash.

Would Arima and Akira miss him? Would the Quinx?

(He doesn't bother to question if _**he**_ had someone that would miss him. If there was, Haise wouldn't be there in the first place.)

He wanted to push his hunger out of existence. It felt wrong to be hungry after what had happened, but the monster knew no etiquette or tact it just knew _hungry hungry I'm so hungry._

So utterly and hopelessly _hungry._

"P-please..." he sobbed under his breath, knowing of the steps of several CCG officers. First class Hirako's squad.

Akira could feel the eyes of her comrades burying into the back of her head, like daring her to open her mouth or even to just falter. She didn't care, and lowered the rifle.

"What is it Haise?"

"I-I... juh-just p-put me o-out alrea-d-dy..." Haise lifted a weak hand and waved it lazily.

("There is no need for tha-")

And they did just that.

" _UUUWWAAAHHH_ "

From their point of view, they could only see the lump of red-stained white of his back before it was full of holes. Like corrosive acid destroying the coat and staining it of it's red. The blood flowed thick from the holes and poured like a faucet.

His head shot up with the inhuman shriek as it continued it's journey outside of his body from the depths of his pain. His back curled outwards and his arms tensed awkwardly, bending them to unnatural angles only describable as the withering of delicate rose petals that needed to be pruned soon.

And Akira noticed she hadn't pulled the trigger.

How could she? Akira didn't see SS rated ghoul Haise, she saw a child.

A child stuck in the body of a monster. A newborn baby that sprang to life in a fully-grown body like a star that blooms to life in the night sky. A body with nightmares, a lost past, hunger pangs, reflexes and knowledge. Haise Sasaki was just how the CCG called the ghost they had revived and stuffed into the shell they had emptied. Like a child tearing limbs off insects in a brutal and disturbing way of playing.

His body was not his own, it was Kaneki's. His life was not his own, it was Arima's. His past was not his own, he had lost it to the CCG's trickery.

The only thing he truly owned where his feelings– fear, (happiness), despair. And the realization –not of what he had lost– that he had lost something important and that the people he trusted and looked up to were the reason he couldn't get them back (and that they wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in him shoudl he step out of line).

Heck, Haise probably believed the CCG had done him a favor in ' _saving_ ' him and putting him in a better path. Maybe he even believed he was like a dog that would be thrown out (experimented on, killed, send to Cochlea, forgotten) for causing so much trouble (he was just hungry for god's sake!).

It was just.. so _devastating_.

Haise's limbs faltered and fell like noodles to the floor, but he wasn't knocked right away. His head swayed a little before falling back on the floor with a thud and a splash of pink. The impact reverberated through his head and it bounced sickly before sitting still. His head was probably pounding if the little whimper was anything to go by.

Oddly crammed in one of the doorways, the squad were breathing statues, before Takeomi (who was at the very front) took a slow step forward. Only to freeze again when the ghoul lifted his arms in front of him in a defensive way, as useless and weak as it was.

It sobbed and whispered in a slurr:

"Mommy I-I am sorry... I d-don't need it any-anyway... I-I'm not huh-hungry anymore... I promise... p-please don't beat me... anymore..."

He flinched, like taking a punch, and cried out:

" _Mommyyyy!_ "

Her face obscured at the implications of the screeching. Like whoever had done what they had done had personally offended Akira (which, Akira would never admit, they had).

This time Akira didn't hesitate to shoot. Her lone shot rang out in the room as it buried in the meat of Haise's arm.

.

.

.

.

(Wether it was to stop whatever nightmare Haise was reliving or because she was supposed to was a completely different story.)

* * *

 _ **Bring the flames!**_


End file.
